Wednesday, 24 April 2013

An evening introspection




As I wrote in another blog (Read: Existentialism and positiveness) my younger days were influenced by existential philosophy. Today I happened to read an old short story of that time. It took me back to those days and the evenings.

As sun set on those days, all existential thoughts surge in our mind. All young hearts liked to watch the setting sun by the side of a lake or on the side of a vast paddy field. The other side of wide paddy fields ended with the horizon. There the autumn sun did set. The sun looked like a sacrificed animal, all red. It smeared the silken sky with its own blood. Even to the last drop of the blood it beams out as red light. Everything looked bloody.

We sighed at the lost of the last hope. It will be dark again. It is the death of another day. Nothing happened. No hope for a better tomorrow is conveyed. We remember the words of the messenger boy in the play Waiting for Godot, Godot, the waited Messiah will not come on the day, and he may come the next day.
Another day for a futile expectation.
The dead sun will rise again to torture us with a new day. If there were no days! But news days and new evenings always happened.

Those were such days. The present scenario is different. I always find it difficult to teach existential writings in the College, because the younger generation of today does not comprehend the mindset of those old days. How shall I impart the pensive mood of the days when I myself has overcome it? We are living in a different world now.

Dusk is still a time for me to evaluate the day I passed. I subject everything that has happened during the day to a process of introspection. I try to find faults, merits, effects, success, and defeat of all what I have said, thought and done. The processes generally follow these steps, though not always in the same order:

1.       Bring back to mind all important thoughts, words and action.
2.       Were they useful or helpful to me and others?
3.       Did they improve the situation or physiological condition?
4.       What is the effect of all of them – disturbed me and others/improved the situation/created a dull atmosphere.
5.       What changes they might have made to other’s attitude towards me
6.       What it did to my personality?
7.       Will it be appropriate to behave in the same way again?
8.       Make list of thoughts/speech/actions that I should not repeat.

Why I spoke angrily to others? This is the question that disturbs me in certain evenings. I hate anger, but used to speak angrily at rare occasions. At every evening of such days, I realize the futility of the action.
It never improves the situation. It never leads anybody to truth. It never transforms anybody. It does only one thing – destroy my personality. My peace of mind is lost. I feel broken and desperate.

Unknowingly we repeat narrating past events and same stories to the same group of events. It is dull and negative. The point of narration of the event and the story is lost. It becomes an old idiot’s story. So I decide not to repeat it anywhere again. Let it go. I have new experiences.

Did I spend money for the right purpose? Could I do without the new purchase? Has it improved my life? If the answer is negative, I take a decision not to repeat such mistakes.

Could I do render a help to anybody during the day? This is a big question. Success of the day depends on the positive answer to this question. I had a more than one opportunity to help others. Have I utilized it? Could I make someone else’s life better? What could I do to better another life?

Like this and like this ….
I go on introspection. I used to do it almost every day. Every day I discover a heap of mistakes I have done during the day.

I am not perfect. Perfection may not be attainable. But my struggle for perfection makes my life and other’s better.

Professor Jacob Abraham                                                                            

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